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Jan. 15th, 2008 06:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
magicbone posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
indesolution[ Filter : Private ]
I've cried so much about this, it's sick. even in front of Warren and um, I don't do that. ever. but. yeah, I just don't feel right. I felt so safe here for whatever stupid reason, and I felt safe living with Andrew, and then something like this happens and I just don't feel right. um, it's nothing new. in fact. maybe this hurts because it's familiar? I don't know, my therapist would have a lot to say about that.
it doesn't matter what Andrew says, I can't forgive myself for this. ever ever ever.
it's horrible but in a way it's like, I told you so. I told you not to make yourself a target and to stay out of it, and I told Warren that he was serious. just. why didn't either of them believe me? why doesn't anyone ever believe me about this stuff. because I'm a huge pessimist or whatever, but oh my god, for good reason I think. Andrew is so screwed up. I can't even. why did he stab him in the stomach. that's just. not necessary. none of it was necessary because um, for all of Andrew's blah blah about how he doesn't mind getting hurt, I just don't think this is um what he had in mind. but that's just. there are some lines, oh my god. like, how is that your issue, Mukuro? how is that your territory at all.
like oh newsflash, I don't care anymore, okay. a little bit yeah, I mean, knife wound, scar, nightmares, whatever. but I don't freak out when people touch me and I'm not um mentally justifying everything with BECAUSE I GOT STABBED anymore. I just. don't care. this is making me care again because it's Andrew. maybe a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away) I wouldn't have cared if he lived or died but um, mexico + babylon = this weird protective feeling. and oh my god oh my god oh my god all this talk of revenge and fksjfks I just can't. I don't know what to do, I never know what to do to stop Warren. uh, much less anyone else.
it's my fault. I brought it up in the first place, dragged Andrew into it and um, god, I get that okay. I get that so hard. it's my fault he's practically freaking immobile and that's hard enough to deal with. if Warren gets himself killed over this or Aya or oh my god, anybody, just. it just can't happen. but I don't know how to stop it. I wish I was stronger. my kingdom for a paragon spell.
why do people do things like this. I'll never get it because um, I can never hurt anyone but myself, and I just. don't get the logic, if there even is any. everyone has a screwed up past. um, everyone has a sob story. we don't all use it as an excuse to hurt people. innocent people. I mean, holy cats, if you have to be a psychopath about it why don't you at least pick on someone your own size? or someone with powers or, I don't know, anyone on your level? um I know, that's not what supervillainy is about, we weren't weaving baskets and all, but just. he's insane. he needs to give it a rest.
this is all such a mess. I have to go back to Andrew soon but for now I'm too scared and there's this huge mess now and I don't know how to fix it.
I hate him. I wish I hated him enough to do something about it.
and I want Andrew to wake up.
[ Filter : Aya ]
um. I need to talk to you about this before anyone does anything.
I've cried so much about this, it's sick. even in front of Warren and um, I don't do that. ever. but. yeah, I just don't feel right. I felt so safe here for whatever stupid reason, and I felt safe living with Andrew, and then something like this happens and I just don't feel right. um, it's nothing new. in fact. maybe this hurts because it's familiar? I don't know, my therapist would have a lot to say about that.
it doesn't matter what Andrew says, I can't forgive myself for this. ever ever ever.
it's horrible but in a way it's like, I told you so. I told you not to make yourself a target and to stay out of it, and I told Warren that he was serious. just. why didn't either of them believe me? why doesn't anyone ever believe me about this stuff. because I'm a huge pessimist or whatever, but oh my god, for good reason I think. Andrew is so screwed up. I can't even. why did he stab him in the stomach. that's just. not necessary. none of it was necessary because um, for all of Andrew's blah blah about how he doesn't mind getting hurt, I just don't think this is um what he had in mind. but that's just. there are some lines, oh my god. like, how is that your issue, Mukuro? how is that your territory at all.
like oh newsflash, I don't care anymore, okay. a little bit yeah, I mean, knife wound, scar, nightmares, whatever. but I don't freak out when people touch me and I'm not um mentally justifying everything with BECAUSE I GOT STABBED anymore. I just. don't care. this is making me care again because it's Andrew. maybe a long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away) I wouldn't have cared if he lived or died but um, mexico + babylon = this weird protective feeling. and oh my god oh my god oh my god all this talk of revenge and fksjfks I just can't. I don't know what to do, I never know what to do to stop Warren. uh, much less anyone else.
it's my fault. I brought it up in the first place, dragged Andrew into it and um, god, I get that okay. I get that so hard. it's my fault he's practically freaking immobile and that's hard enough to deal with. if Warren gets himself killed over this or Aya or oh my god, anybody, just. it just can't happen. but I don't know how to stop it. I wish I was stronger. my kingdom for a paragon spell.
why do people do things like this. I'll never get it because um, I can never hurt anyone but myself, and I just. don't get the logic, if there even is any. everyone has a screwed up past. um, everyone has a sob story. we don't all use it as an excuse to hurt people. innocent people. I mean, holy cats, if you have to be a psychopath about it why don't you at least pick on someone your own size? or someone with powers or, I don't know, anyone on your level? um I know, that's not what supervillainy is about, we weren't weaving baskets and all, but just. he's insane. he needs to give it a rest.
this is all such a mess. I have to go back to Andrew soon but for now I'm too scared and there's this huge mess now and I don't know how to fix it.
I hate him. I wish I hated him enough to do something about it.
and I want Andrew to wake up.
[ Filter : Aya ]
um. I need to talk to you about this before anyone does anything.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
[ Filter: Jonathan-kun ]
Date: 2008-01-16 02:13 am (UTC)Do you think the government will be strong enough to stop him? What would happen then? He might come after you too, Jonathan-kun.
[ Filter: Aya ]
Date: 2008-01-16 02:17 am (UTC)maybe. the government here is scary like that, I don't know. but I don't want him to hurt anyone else um obviously and I don't want anyone to get hurt trying to stop him. just. fighting doesn't solve more fighting. Warren isn't telling me anything so I'm already busy trying to figure out what's going on with him and um, that thought is scary enough, so.
and whatever okay better me than Andrew or Warren or you or oh I don't know. anyone. but um I'd rather put it in someone else's hands.
[ Filter: Jonathan-kun ]
Date: 2008-01-16 02:39 am (UTC)No matter what happens, he's still going to keep hurting people. I'm strong enough to do something. This is my responsibility now too. Even if something happens, I don't think I'd ever forgive myself.
Are you okay passing this off to someone else?
[ Filter: Aya ]
Date: 2008-01-16 02:44 am (UTC)[ Filter: Jonathan-kun ]
Date: 2008-01-16 02:45 am (UTC)[ Filter: Aya ]
Date: 2008-01-16 02:47 am (UTC)that would be really awesome of you. just. I'm staying at the hospital. um, I haven't really left for more than a couple hours at a time. but you can come over here.
[ Filter: Jonathan-kun ]
Date: 2008-01-16 02:47 am (UTC)[ Filter: Aya ]
Date: 2008-01-16 02:48 am (UTC)[ Filter: Jonathan-kun ]
Date: 2008-01-16 02:51 am (UTC)