disparages"CAPTAIN" KENNIT WENT TO THE HOSPITAL AND ASKED ANDREW WELLS WHAT HURT MORE; THE EYE OR THE TEETH.
There, all right. I don't want to be a bitch about this, but you don't exactly leave me a choice. Here's a dating tip, old man; DON'T WALK AWAY WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU. Since you had to be a total coward and can't take it to your face, I'll just put it all here. If you wanted this to be private maybe you shouldn't have left the picnic, jackass.
OKAY like, let's continue with what the hell is your problem, because trust me. You have A LOT of them.
2.) You're a bad tipper.
3.) You brought the wrong kind of wine to a picnic. You'd think a wino would have better taste, but apparently not.
4.) Brown shoes, black socks. Not even Charlie's "I'm from the past" is a good excuse for this.
5.) I don't know this "Petraitis" guy is, but I am so tired of hearing about how you want to kill him. It doesn't make you sound cool you know. You just sound crazy which- surprise!! You are.
6.) Two words; peg. leg. Like, everybody notices, don't think you are being all sly. God like, maybe someone should gouge out YOUR eye so you can finally be the complete pirate cliche.
7.) Also, what kind of pirate thinks he can be like into politics? Why don't you leave that for people who like, don't get scurvy??
8.) Stop looking at my breasts when I talk to you, I'm up here. We aren't all pirate wenches you know.
9.) While we're on the topic, I'm not DEAF either. I can hear all that women-hating stuff you talk about with Charlie. So that's where he gets it, from your old ass.
10.) GOD and speaking of that! What kind of pervert hits on girls and then badtouches a schoolboy in like, the same breath? I mean, christ. mid-life crisis much? Like, gosh, I'm SO sorry you never took over the government when you were young, so now you are trying to like, live vicariously through giving impressionable young poetry geeks handjobs. It just makes you look like a greasy, sleezy old guy who can barely stay sober enough to walk from the sofa to the kitchen.
Thanks for the help with the website stuff and the picnic, Jonathan. I'm going to curl up with some ice cream, a like Korean DVD of Sex and the City and like forget this day ever happened. When I wake up I hope I'm back in LA.